Getting To Know CEA

The first date we never had

When he sent me a short bio about himself, I knew I was meant to reciprocate. Obviously. It was my turn to talk about myself and all. But I paused. I hesitated. And for a minute, this moment brought my mind back to why I hate introductions. Okay, maybe hate is a strong word…

You dislike it? Like, it makes you uncomfortable?

Uncomfortable. Yes, that's the word I'm looking for. Or maybe not? Well, it's not that I dislike talking about myself or introducing myself, I just don't know how, sometimes. Introductions make me feel the exact way the question, “Who are you?” makes me feel. Like, my brain expands and zooms out, and my thoughts begin spiralling around the question until, within seconds, I'm pulled and zapped into an existential spiral. Like, who the heck am I? What am I? Where do I come from?

You're laughing?

No, this is serious. And I definitely hate how, in that moment, I lose my sense of myself. Then I feel a sudden emptiness, and when I snap out of it, I wonder if I really know myself.

Or the thing is, I just don't know how to talk about myself in a few sentences. Chidinma is too big, and a few sentences aren't enough to talk about all her layers.

I quite understand. But did you ever reply to him, though?

Sure, I did. I copied his format: name, age, ethnicity, hobbies, and interests. It was the easy way out, nothing serious. At least it wasn't some job interview or anything “formal.” Thank God! Imagine freezing in the middle of an interview because I don't know how to begin introducing myself.

You're funny.

I know, I know. I try.

Should we place our orders now? Do you like pasta?

Oh yes, we should. I'd have spaghetti, too.

The weather lately has been something. Do you love the rain, though? Would you dance in it or shut your doors and windows during a storm?

Dance in it, ke? Sorry for the laugh.

Okay, hear me out. Dancing in the rain is purely for aesthetics, and it only looks great in movies and on Pinterest photos. Does anyone really derive joy in being drenched, soaked, your underwear soggy, wet clothes sticking to your skin, your teeth chattering, and the cold that seeps through your skin and clings to your bones afterwards? Like really? That's fun?

The few times I recall dancing in the rain as a kid, I doubt I truly enjoyed it. Maybe I did. However, the fact that the memory has almost vanished and never became a core memory? I doubt.

I'm clearly in my grandma era.

Why the hell would my door and windows be open during a storm? All I'd want is to be warm and cozy under a blanket, indoors, all day. If I could get a fireplace in my apartment, I'd be a happy girl. Nowadays, closing my windows and hiding under a blanket isn't even enough to keep me warm.

I have my AC on most times. It's not that cold, honestly. I love the weather.

Are you even a human being? You clearly deserve to be sent to Antarctica to your penguin brothers.

Hehe, I guess I do. So, how's work? I really hope it hasn't been too stressful balancing everything with school.

Work? Ha, I'm currently unemployed and feeding off my parents. If that's the work you're asking about, though.

After the last application letter I sent—and I was even ghosted—I haven't mustered the mental strength to continue job hunting. It’s crazy because money has to be made. But you know what? I recall seeing a Substack post that made me realize that work doesn't have to be what I do to get paid.

So, yeah, about that kind of work that doesn't involve enslavement to capitalism? Several personal projects are underway. I say several as though it's more than 100, haha, it's just two. Two very important things that I was excited about at the end of July. However, the excitement died down in August, which is strange, and I still wonder why.

Why? Mental exhaustion?

Nuh-uh. Or maybe. I can't explain it.

Since August began, I've been slow with working on my goals. Including the other work I do as a team lead of a content writing team. And to answer your other question, yes, it's been a struggle juggling work with school. Personal projects paused. Duties and responsibilities as a team lead? I barely show up. I hate how that makes me feel. My to-do list? It's been piling up. I have five articles altogether that I need to submit. Make it six when you add the one I must submit for a writing contest.

And I've just been stalling.

With the momentum at which I crushed all my goals in July, I'm shocked how lazy I've been in August. The only thing I've been consistent at is attending lectures, and it's so funny! I prioritize school now, and as a result, everything else is suffering. When I wasn't prioritizing school last year and just winging it, my grades suffered. I'm truly struggling to strike a balance.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe you should consider doing one thing at a time. The more you want to do everything at once, the more you don't end up doing anything. So, take it one day at a time.

Salami slicing? Hm, I'll consider trying that. And I mean, you're correct. I wake up and add one more thing to my to-do list, then proceed to stare at the length of it. My silly brain be like, ‘Girl, bye! I'm outta here!’ And I end up thinking about all I should do, rather than doing it.

Mango or orange? Do you have a favourite fruit?

One thing about me is that I don't have a favorite thing. I don't have one favorite food, fruit, drink, book, movie, colour, or anything at all. I just have favorites. A collection of variations that particular thing, sometimes. I guess it's because I like diversity and variety. Or maybe I struggle with decision-making?

Mango. Mango over orange anytime. The texture, taste, and even the smell beat that of an orange any time. I like a lot of fruits, except for one. I can't choose a favorite, but yes, it's very easy to have a least favorite. And that'll be…

*drumroll*

Pawpaw. It's disgusting. Period.

Ha! Even with the PR pawpaw has? Didn't you learn the theme song in primary school?

Hehe. I did. However, not everyone likes pawpaw, as the song says.

Funny thing is, I used to love pawpaw. And I always ate it as a kid. One day, my brain suddenly decided it was disgusting. I'd never forget the day, and I can't explain why, but it just suddenly became disgusting. So I stopped liking it. And I don't eat it.

Interesting.

Mm-hmm.

Movies or series?

It's hard to choose. I do both. However, it all depends on the story, how good it is, and how well it hooks me. If a series is that good, I can go on and on and never get bored. Same with movies. And if they're not, even if it's a 30-minute-long movie, nope, I'm done. On to the next, please.

You're the only one asking the questions here. I dunno, shouldn't I…

No, don't worry. This is about you, remember? And look at you talking about yourself without slipping into an existential spiral.

Haha, very funny. But yeah, I guess I am.

Your apartment, you mentioned it. What's it like being an adult in your own space? What does it look like now? Home? Minimalist?

It's nothing like home at all. I plan on changing that. But for now, it's just there, comfortable enough and clean enough.

Funny how this used to be a childhood dream of mine. Living alone, having a whole apartment to myself, and just being in my own space. I’ve never had an entire space to myself. I always shared.

Shocking and interesting fact. The first month here, I slipped into a depressive episode. Nobody knew. I just endured it alone. I was miserable, and I barely left the house.

I only managed to creep out of that hole two months ago, but it was a literal miracle of God's mercy. And it's just so ironic. This experience is proof that happiness doesn't really come when we achieve or acquire all the things we believe would make us happy. You'd think I'd be ecstatic after getting my dream apartment, ha! Life is funny.

Reminds me of what I read about the arrival fallacy in this newsletter, and this quote from it:

“A gold medal is a wonderful thing, but if you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it.”

Did you enjoy your food? Would you like to taste mine? It has shrimp in it.

I've never tried shrimp before.

Here, have a bite.

Mm, thank you.

When did you last cry, with another person or by yourself? You can open up to me, leak your colors: I’ll catch them all in my palms.

Cheesy.

I can't remember when I last cried. Not that it was too long ago, but because I cry a lot and it's hard to keep track. Though it's been a while. I've been feeling a strong feminine urge to cry. It's a weird and funny thing. I've been looking for triggers in every book I open and try to read. In every movie recommendation I ask for from a friend. I just need to cry. A crying session would cleanse me, honestly.

I got a book, though, and I hear it'd make me bawl my eyes out. I'm here for it!

But the last time I cried was by myself. I never cry with anyone. It rarely happens.

Crazy. Good luck, though. I'd love to know how that works out for you.

I'd be happy to keep you posted.

(If you subscribe to my newsletter, I might yap about it in the chats, and you'd get to hear all about it.)

What would be important for potential friendships you’d make to know about you? What would you rather hide?

That I'm constantly evolving and morphing, and it's essential to make room for that, even if it means getting to know new versions of me afresh. What would I rather hide? If I say it out loud, there won't be anything to hide again. Lol.

Hm, okay. What’s your most treasured memory, your proudest achievement, and what do you value most in your relationships?

Let me think…

My most treasured memory was when I had my first sibling, my little brother. He's not so little now, though. Dude is almost a man. He'd be 18 this year. But I'd never forget the day he was born and how exciting it was to watch him coo while they bathed him for the first time in our house. He had just come back from the hospital. And he was tiny, with green ears. Lmao.

My proudest achievement, mm. I've achieved quite a lot, big and small things. But right now, all that’s coming to mind is the fact that I had straight A's in my junior WAEC. No cheating. No asking questions in the exam. All hard work and a smart brain. I fell off in SS3, though, and I can't even blame myself.

Presence, honesty, and communication. Regardless of the relationship, these three things matter a great deal to me. Add trust, too. I always want to know that I can be myself, real, and vulnerable, and still be accepted, loved, and not betrayed. If you’re for me, be for me and stand by me.

I could listen to you talk about yourself all day. Can we do this some other time?

Definitely. I had a lovely time. We definitely should do this again. My treat? And maybe this time, I get to peek into your mind and learn your layers.

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Footnotes 👣

Can I peek into your mind, too? Would you mind leaking your colours? I'd love to know.

Anyhoo…

Hi hi.

At this point, I'm not even sure if an apology would be sufficient for my level of inconsistency here. Well, I'm sorry regardless. And I'm not even making any more promises. It's better that way. 😂

From the last post: i'm just a girl. The majority voted for Getting to Know CEA as the next read.

I promise you, I went into writing right after. Then, while editing, the draft didn't feel right. I didn't like it, and I tried adjusting and adjusting until I gave up. And yes, I abandoned it. A month later, an idea popped up at midnight (as usual), and I grabbed it before it slipped away. And this piece is the grand idea from an insomniac night. I hope you enjoyed it, though. And don't forget to let me know if you do in the comments; feel free to like and share if you're inclined to.

Many thanks to Wallace- for unknowingly inspiring this post and for reminding me to post something. 🫶🏽

Internet Rabbit Holes I Fell Into 🔗

This post was inspired by Grace.. Yes, thank you for your newsletters, including the one you wrote similar to this several years ago. And overall, the questions were obtained from Treasure Okure’s piece: First Date Questions.

This newsletter from Sahil Bloom made me pause and reflect on my ambitions. Arrival Fallacy: Why Success Is Never Enough

I wanted a love letter badly after reading this letter by Richard Feynman to his dead wife. Read it here.

Listening to Feynman’s letter read out loud hit hard. Watch here.

Photos are from Pinterest, by the way.

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On my former newsletter on Mailchimp, I had a culture of subscribers writing back, and I want to bring that back here. Plus, it was what always fueled me to show up and look forward to our email convos. All this to say, I’d love to hear from you.

What do you think I should write about next?

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Until next time,

byeeee!